70....

Missed a couple of days updates; Let's just say you ain't missed much and leave it at that...

Discovered yesterday that I won't be receiving any money for another 2 weeks, due to slip up at Job Centre.  Exhusted every avenue available to get it sorted so am left in limbo for around 10 days now;  shoplifting and staying in bed will get me through but it's not exactly what I'd call "living".  I can't be bothered to be annoyed anymore 

35...

Half dose today.

Someone (Thank you :) left a comment yesterday, mentioning that I didn't sound that stable and was probably a bit under-prescribed.  I'd kinda agree on both points -  on previous occasions Methadone seemed to totally destroy any urge to use and I'd be able to concentrate my mind on normal day-to-day things; this time around I've not had that (other than on those rare occasions like yesterday where I've been able to up the dose myself.).  When I've mentioned this to my Dr, I've been told I'm on a high dose already and a higher dose wouldn't help. Ho hum...

Dosage 70...

No giro so still no money, and indeed no money until Tuesday at very earliest.  I'm at a loss to find swearwords that contain enough venom to give that sentence it's deserved feeling.

Just had 70ml at chemist, with another 2 x 70ml to take home for Sunday and Monday.  I'll be surprised if at least one of those isn't gone shortly. 

(update) - I was right.  

re: the giro situation - I'm not your stereo-typical unemployed addict; until very recently I've been working at a fairly well-paid, responsible job so I was what you'd call a functional user. Alas things catch up with you and years of not dealing with problems, the stress of duplicity and my accelerating addictions have left me here at year-zero again; a 40yr old man with 20 years missing.  I'm an intelligent guy so there's a lot of things I find easy that would vex others, but there's a ton of simple day-to-day situations I have huge problems with.  I know I CAN shine and shine very brightly at that.  Getting myself into the position where that can happen  is more problematic so I tend to not even make the effort. 

Dosage 70

Feel ok...Totally skint so got Friday Night Stay In blues.  I guess I've achieved a few things this week but still silently angry at myself for getting this low again.

Dosage 70

Looking forward to going unsupervised so I get this reduction moving a bit quicker...

Dosage 70

Still feeling fine - a few affairs of the heart are filling my mind at the moment; some loves are fading and others are starting.  Having moments of doubt about getting clean and how little willpower I have when temptation strikes - M has at least taken that pressure away. 

Dosage 70

Feeling fine.

Dosage 70

Feeling ok - From past experience these first few reductions are fairly pain free; it's once you get down to 30/40 ish the reduction becomes noticeable.  Made things up with my partner so I guess that may have something to do with me feeling a bit brighter than usual.  I think he's glad I'm making the effort to get rid of this daily ritual; it's made going anywhere over night a complete pain.

I believe the Dr said the next script will be unsupervised - meaning I don't have to take it in the chemist.  This'll let me reduce a lot quicker as I can control my dosage myself - I don't mind putting up with a bit of discomfort if it means getting free quicker.  We also spoke about doing the final detox in hospital over a 2 week period.  I've always done this at home before without any help - at least in hospital I'd be fed properly and get medication to help with the symptoms so should be easier than suffering in silence at home. 

Dosage 70

Opiate Addiction

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Dosage

Saturday so it's pickup twice day 140ml - Always tempting to do both lots in one go in search of some buzz (not really worth it, to be honest).

Having some relationship problems that have left me more than upset; I should go on a total bender to numb myself.  But I can't be bothered.  These next few weeks are going to be bad enough so I'm going to tuck that heartache away and deal with it some other time.  He was my world and now he's gone - I don't want to dwell on it anymore here - some hurts are deep and private and cured only by silence.

So just doing the one 70ml for now.  Feeling ok physically.

Dosage

Currently on 70ml a day.

Supervised pickup from Chemist (This means a daily visit to the Chemist and having to take the dosage then and there; not the most dignified state of affairs but this saves it getting into the wrong hands (due to it's strength, numerous deaths have occurred due to it's strength - it's an opiate after all.)

I've just reduced from 80 per day (my dose for the last 12 months) down to 70 as I'm eager to free myself.  No real notice physically yet; these become more noticeable as I reduce further.

Here Goes....

I've lost count of the number of times I've got myself "clean" with Methadone - and I've never been able to find any idea of the ups and downs from the Internet.  It's not an easy process and, to be honest, it would have helped to have at least some small voice whispering in my ear "Hang on in there; the discomfort will ease up - be strong and all that".

SO, now I've got the chance I thought I'd give it a go myself.  Will it help?  I really don't know.  For myself it'll be a useful little diary - a way of distracting myself.  And maybe, it'll do likewise for others.  We all travel different paths, our pains & aches choose their own targets.  It may even give those with professional interest an insight into the struggle; both mentally and physical as well as the major life changes than are the key to getting and staying clean. 

I won't drop my bomb-like life onto you in one go - bits and bits will no doubt become clear as we go along.

I'll structure this with simple posts showing dosage, with separate posts & longer think-pieces when I've things to get off my chest or to explain my feelings more fully. Please feel free to leave your comments and ideas.  Sorry if this first post seems a little stilted & awkward - I'll do my best to improve.